I spent time earlier this week watching my 10-month-old puppy and another dog play a slow game of tug of war over a ball. As they went back and forth, my thoughts shifted from “I wonder who will win” to “Wow, look how much fun they are having with each other!” I took time to observe them long enough to notice that for them, it was not about who won; it was about the joy of playing together. In fact, when one of them did wrestle the ball away from the other, he would bring it back to help the other dog re-engage in the fun. The shift in perspective I had while watching the dogs replayed in my mind for the remainder of the week and impacted a lot of my thinking and actions, including this blog post.
It is okay to remain the same. As a practitioner of mindful change coaching, I feel that it is important to honor that not changing is a tremendously valuable option. That said, a fair number of the clients I work with desire to make a change but feel stuck moving forward. I believe this is when a shift of perspective is called for.
Our beliefs develop during our formative years. They are shaped by our interactions with caretakers, teachers, and peer groups and reinforced by our experiences until they become ingrained. Often, we do not even notice when we repeat them to ourselves. Examining my puppy play experience, it is easily seen that I hold a core belief about the purpose of playing games being to win. It was only when I slowed down and sat there in observation that my perspective shifted to an alternative perspective: the aim of playing a game could be to have fun rather than to win.
This experience reminded me of what I feel keeps many people stuck when they attempt to make a change—their personal beliefs about failure.
In the book Changing to Thrive, James Prochaska writes, “If you keep thinking instead of doing, you can’t actually fail because you haven’t made any action attempts.” When I first read that sentence, energy shot through my body like a bolt of lightning. The statement eloquently illustrates my point of view. We get stuck because of the held belief that failure is bad. When we tell ourselves that failure is bad, it makes sense to avoid any risk of it associated with taking action toward making a change.
Looking closer, imagine a child who comes home from school with a poor grade on a test and is informed that rather than play outside with friends after school, they are expected to stay indoors and study until they get a passing grade. What possible conclusions about failure could this child draw if this scenario is replayed frequently?
Perhaps they would sound like the following statements:
“Bad things will happen if I fail.”
“It is not okay to fail.”
“I am not okay if I fail.”
These statements encourage us to stay stuck in the “thinking about change” cycle as they protect us from the risk of failure. We cannot possibly fail because we are not attempting to change. We feel safer staying the same.
One way to move from this immobilized state is to lean on our innate curiosity. To spend time investigating what we believe about failure and perhaps learn to embrace it. If we do not know what we are thinking, it is difficult to reframe and remove that barrier to our progress. Spend a moment reflecting on the beliefs about failure shared above. Do any of them feel familiar? Do you have others to add?
Now imagine the student who brought home poor test scores instead having a conversation with someone who is curious about their experience. This person could use the opportunity to help the child recognize that failing is both feedback and a critical part of learning. Perhaps they could encourage the student to get curious about how they could achieve a different outcome and invite them to co-create a plan to increase their score on the next exam. Learning that failure is not the end of the world and should be expected, what are the reframed views this student may adopt about failure?
Perhaps they would sound like this:
“Failure shows me where I can practice.”
“Failure is how we learn; all of us fail.”
“People will help me when I fail.”
Incorporating time to examine your beliefs is a critical step in the change process. One of my favorite aspects of coaching is the opportunity to collaborate with clients as they work through these shifts. It is powerful to involve a thought partner as you uncover held beliefs, explore alternative options, and chart a course forward. Visit the contact page and request a 15-minute consultation call to determine if my services are a fit.
In the meantime, below are some questions to get you started if you feel stuck making a change.
How do I view failure?
What is one possible alternative belief?
How would my situation look if I adopted this alternative belief?
