Setting boundaries in my caregiving role led to a profound realization—many struggle to establish boundaries both at home and at work. Most often, we engage in boundary discussions only after feeling that someone has ignored or violated our own boundaries. However, it’s crucial to understand that this isn’t necessarily because the other person is selfish or intentionally causing harm; it’s often due to a lack of clear communication.
In simplified terms, a boundary can be defined as the edge or limit of something. For others to respect our boundaries, they need to know where those limits are. If you think of a boundary like a fence, it’s easy to see that we set others up for failure when we fail to communicate our limits. Essentially, we have erected an invisible fence with no visual or verbal cues (such as flags and training), and we expect others to instinctively know where they are or are not allowed to tread.
This may sound obvious, and it might also sound easy, but in my experience, it’s where many of us, including myself, often fail. I can recall numerous instances where I felt taken advantage of in a relationship, only to realize later that I had implied my boundaries but never expressed them explicitly.
For example, I found myself frustrated when one of my parents recently scheduled a medical appointment on a day I had planned another activity. To drive them to that appointment, I had to change my own plans. Upon reflection, I realized that I had offered to drive my parents to their appointments, medical appointments have limited flexibility, and most importantly, I had not communicated my availability (my boundaries) to my parents. Consequently, they had no way of knowing that I had something else scheduled at that same time.
Can you recall a time when you felt a boundary had been violated, and you now realize that you failed to communicate your limit to the other person?
Here’s another example: It was a Monday morning, and I had work that required significant quiet time at my desk. I had a co-worker who liked to discuss their weekend activities. I tried to focus on my work, but this co-worker kept coming to my cubicle to share more details. I nodded and avoided eye contact, but they persisted. After several interruptions, I snapped at them, “Can’t you see that I’m working on something important and don’t have time for your stupid story!” Yep, not my best moment. Looking back, it made sense to me that this person wanted to share their weekend adventures, as we often did, but I had pressing work to finish. Things could have gone better if I had simply communicated that and asked if we could chat later that day or the next. What do they say about hindsight being 20/20?
These examples illustrates why communicating boundaries is essential for healthy relationships, both at work and at home. It’s also important to clarify what a boundary is not. Boundaries are not demands or ultimatums. Saying, “I won’t cook dinner anymore if you don’t put your dishes in the dishwasher” is not an effective example of setting, communicating, or reinforcing a boundary. Instead, a better way to communicate a boundary in this situation might sound like, “I will not put your dishes in the dishwasher for you after you eat.”
You may have read the last statement and thought, “Well, that’s silly! What’s the big deal?” If so, it’s great that you recognize that it’s not a boundary you need to set. However, if you thought, “Yes, about the dishes, and I could never say that,” then I would like you to ask yourself a question.
Why?
Expressing boundaries is a critical part of building relationships. It establishes the rules of engagement for the other person, ensuring that both parties understand expectations. If you have trouble communicating a boundary you’d like to be respected, complete this sentence: “If I set this boundary, then ________________________.”
All humans experience distorted thoughts that can override logical thinking. Here are descriptions of some common cognitive distortions. Reflect on the statement you completed above and see if any of these distortions might be present:
1. Discounting the positives: Focusing only on the negative and ignoring anything positive.
2. Overgeneralizing: Applying one experience to all situations.
3. All or nothing thinking: Seeing things as absolutes, with no in-between.
4. Mind reading: Assuming others are thinking the same or different things than you are.
5. Double standard: Holding yourself to a higher standard than everyone else.
6. Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst.
7. Labeling: Negatively labeling yourself.
8. Magical thinking: Believing everything will be better when ____________.
9. Should statements: Judging and criticizing yourself for what you should be doing.
Did you notice any of them? The good news is that this is normal. It’s a natural part of being human and nothing to be ashamed of. The even better news is that if you identified the distortion that’s preventing you from communicating your boundary, you’re halfway there. Now, you just need to replace the completion of that sentence with a truth. If you’re unsure how to add a truth, consider temporarily using this one: “If I set this boundary, I don’t know what will happen, but at least people can see my fence.”
For personalized assistance in communicating your boundaries or to express interest in my online boundary-setting course, simply book your FREE 15-minute consultation with me by filling out the contact form or sending an email to sue.murphy@wavelengthwellbeing.com.
Happy boundary sharing!
