This month, I’m delving into a topic close to my heart: the expression of emotions, particularly crying.
Let me paint a familiar scene. Imagine a company meeting where the Head of Human Resources delivers the distressing news of impending job cuts. His voice quivers, visible strain apparent as he tries to suppress tears while sharing the news. As he begins with, “I’m sorry…”, I can’t help but wonder: sorry for what? It becomes evident; he’s apologizing for displaying his emotion through tears. This individual, tasked with conveying somber news, believes that crying is to be avoided. Rather than allowing himself to authentically express the sadness he feels, he’s apologizing for being the “human” in Human Resources.
Put yourself in his shoes. If you were responsible for a company’s people, wouldn’t you also feel the weight of sadness, knowing you couldn’t prevent layoffs? Wouldn’t you ache for colleagues, likely friends, who won’t be around anymore? The impact on their livelihoods and families would naturally evoke sorrow. So why apologize for shedding tears, a universal sign of sadness?
Have you been in a similar situation, witnessing someone apologize for crying? Have you found yourself apologizing for shedding tears?
Many of us learned that showing tears wasn’t acceptable, maybe even a sign of weakness. Perhaps it stemmed from times when, as children, we were told, “Shhh, don’t cry… you’re okay,” by caregivers trying to alleviate pain. Or when embarrassed parents shushed our tears in public. Maybe we witnessed adults mocking those who cried at a movie or laughed at lines like Tom Hanks’ “There’s no crying in Baseball!” from the movie “A League of Their Own.”
Whatever the reason, this societal tendency to suppress tears is incredibly harmful. We all react differently to situations, but crying is a cleansing process we shouldn’t avoid. When we deny ourselves this emotional release, we hold onto that energy, potentially manifesting as physical ailments.
Recently, my mom, battling cognitive impairment due to dementia, teared up and apologized, saying, “I’m sorry for crying, I know you don’t want to be with me when I’m like this.” I reassured her that I cherished being with her no matter what and that, in fact, I believe crying is a superpower and is beautiful because it shows our humanness. I emphasized the importance of expressing feelings, explaining that tears are a form of emotional release—a cleansing.
I recounted for her the Carol Hall lyrics from “It’s All Right To Cry,” performed by Rosey Greer, a favorite track from the record “Free to Be You and Me” that she had given me when I was a child:
“It’s all right to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you. It’s all right to cry. It might make you feel better…”
Being present for others’ sadness, allowing them to express it without the need to “fix” it, is a skill not everyone possesses. It requires that we embrace a certain amount of our own discomfort and set aside our need to make things feel better. Ultimately when we can witness others’ tears it fosters compassion and connection – something we all need to thrive.
The next time tears arise within you or in those around you, challenge yourself. Notice your instinct to stop them and instead, give yourself permission to allow the release.
Acknowledging and holding space for your emotions is integral to the mindful change coaching sessions I offer. For information about my coaching sessions, reach out to me at sue.murphy@wavelengthwellbeing.com.
