As the clock struck 5:00 PM on a pleasant spring evening, Sam rummaged through his backpack for his ringing cell phone. He saw his mom calling and sighed, expecting her to remind him about his band concert. “Hey mom, what’s up?” he answered.
“Sam, I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to make it to your band concert tonight,” she said.
“But Mom, I’ve been practicing my clarinet solo for weeks!” he exclaimed.
“I know, honey, and I’m so proud of you. My boss asked me to put together an important report for a meeting tomorrow morning. With the recent layoffs, I can’t risk my job,” she explained.
“I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’ll call dad so he can take you, and we’ll watch your solo together when I get home. I feel awful about not being there, but I know you will be amazing! I love you!” she said before hanging up.
“Yep, me too, mom,” Sam replied, feeling disappointed.
Across town, Joe had just left the office when he saw ‘Krista – work’ flash on his navigation screen. “Hey honey, what’s up?” he answered.
“Joe, I’m not going to be able to make it to Sam’s concert tonight. Can you please go home to help him get ready for it and take him there? He needs to wear the outfit that is hanging on the door of his closet, along with his black shoes. He needs to be in the band room at the school by 6:30,” Krista explained.
“What?! You know I have plans to meet Paul for dinner. I am on the way there now. He is leaving town tomorrow morning and I have not seen him for 10 years. We worked so hard to arrange our schedule so I could reconnect with him and still get to Sam’s concert by 7!” Joe said, sounding exasperated.
“I’m sorry, but I’m stuck at work with an urgent assignment. It’s such an important night for Sam, and I don’t want him to be nervous about making it there in time,” Krista insisted.
“Fine, I’ll take care of it. I will call Paul and let him know I can’t meet him,” Joe agreed reluctantly.
“Honey, could you make sure to record Sam’s clarinet solo? I don’t want to disappoint him twice in one day,” Krista requested.
“Will do,” Joe responded before hanging up.
How do you feel after reading the story above? Does it resonate with you? Do you find yourself empathizing with the characters? If so, even if you haven’t experienced a similar situation, it shows that you possess a powerful social skill: perspective-taking.
Perspective-taking is the ability to see things from someone else’s point of view. It allows us to connect more deeply with others by understanding their feelings and experiences. This skill is fundamental for building strong relationships and fostering empathy.
To illustrate the significance of perspective-taking, we can turn to psychologist Robert Selman’s developmental model. This model outlines how individuals evolve in their capacity to understand and appreciate others’ perspectives, progressing through stages from egocentrism to a broader societal perspective as they age.
Imagine living in a world where everyone only thinks about themselves, like in a preschool classroom where kids often say “mine! no mine!” about toys. This is similar to what happens when people are at Selman’s Egocentric Perspective level. They focus mainly on their own thoughts and needs, finding it hard to understand that others might see things differently.
As people grow, they start to see things from different viewpoints. They learn about societal norms and values, which helps them understand how others think and feel. This shift towards a societal perspective helps in navigating social interactions and recognizing how individuals are interconnected within society.
While Selman’s theory suggests that perspective-taking develops in a fixed sequence as people age, research shows that not everyone progresses through these stages at the same pace. Factors like cultural background, cognitive abilities, and social experiences also play a big role in how people develop their perspective-taking skills.
Do you know someone who you believe would read the story above and not feel empathy for any of the characters? If so, my guess is that you don’t regularly choose to spend time with them.
Since my last blog post on frustration, I’ve received positive feedback from clients who have engaged in perspective-taking activities with me. One memorable example comes from a participant in my DoubleStuff’s Den dog parenting program. Let me share a fictionalized version of their experience.
Meet Sherrie, a devoted owner to a lively six-month-old black lab pup named Onyx. On a typical day, Sherrie planned to take Onyx to his favorite park, anticipating a fun outing for both of them. However, as they approached the park, Sherrie noticed a change in Onyx’s demeanor. His ears flattened, and he hesitated, displaying signs of distress. Despite Sherrie’s attempts to reassure him, Onyx remained tense, showing reluctance to enter the park.
Drawing on knowledge from our previous discussions of puppy fear stages, Sherrie decided to practice perspective-taking. Rather than insisting on entering the park, she knelt down to Onyx’s level and imagined the scene from his point of view. Suddenly, the once inviting park appeared overwhelming, with its bustling activity, strange smells, a stiff breeze, lots of barking dogs and unpredictable stimuli. Onyx’s anxious behavior confirmed Sherrie’s suspicions—he was genuinely uncomfortable.
Choosing to prioritize Onyx’s well-being, Sherrie made the thoughtful decision to forgo the park and instead took him for a calming walk around the neighborhood. Recognizing the importance of mental stimulation, she allowed Onyx to explore and sniff more familiar surroundings, providing a sense of security and comfort. Through this empathetic approach, Sherrie not only strengthened her bond with Onyx and deepened his trust in her, but also instilled in him the confidence to navigate new experiences.
The beauty of perspective-taking is that it improves with practice. Here are some engaging activities to help you hone this skill:
- Read: Delve into books, poems, or articles written by individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds. This exposure can broaden your understanding of the world.
- Ask questions: Engage with someone from another country about their childhood educational experiences. Exploring their viewpoints can offer valuable insights.
- Consider opposing viewpoints: Challenge yourself by seeking out a newspaper article that supports a view you hold and write one contrary to it. Constructing an argument against your beliefs can foster empathy and understanding.
- Imagine viewpoints: Analyze paintings depicting multiple people, such as ‘The Card Players’ by Paul Cezanne. Try to discern the thoughts and emotions of each person depicted, then challenge yourself to envision alternative perspectives. This exercise encourages empathy and helps cultivate the habit of considering others’ viewpoints in all interactions.
- Curiosity inquiry: Initiate conversations with individuals from different generations to explore their perspectives on topics in popular culture. This exchange can help you approach discussions with an open mind.
- Change your position: Literally step into someone else’s shoes. By immersing yourself in another’s perspective, as in the example of Sherri and Onyx’s above, you can quickly broaden your outlook and consider alternative viewpoints.
- Theater: Practice a script from a play, even if you don’t plan to audition. Learning dialogue and embodying different characters can foster empathy and expand your understanding of diverse perspectives.
Engaging in activities that challenge your perspective fosters empathy and strengthens connections with others. If you’re interested in exploring a personalized approach to developing your perspective-taking skills, reach out to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me.
