I’m following last month’s post about allowing yourself to let the tears roll when you feel like crying with some thoughts about grief. At its core, grief is a response to loss.
In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages were a reflection of how people cope with illness and dying. Unfortunately, the use of the term stages led to interpretation by many that there was an order to process. It’s crucial, as Kübler-Ross herself later noted, to recognize that grief isn’t a linear journey. It’s a labyrinth, a tangled garden of emotions where one might stumble upon anger, bargaining, or a sudden surge of gratitude without a predictable map.
I am reminded of conversations I have had with individuals grieving the loss of a loved one. I point out that they are about to embark on what I call the year of firsts. They will be experiencing the first of each of the annual celebrations, special occasions and vacations without their loved one. The first time at favorite events, restaurants, stores and other special places and activities. These experiences are bound to bring up a mix of emotions.
Grief extends beyond the tangible departure of a loved one to encompass the quieter farewells—farewells to friendships, cherished routines, or the essence of a favorite place now altered. As I navigate my own moments of loss, I find solace in recognizing that grief, in all its forms, is a testament to the depth of our connections and the richness of our experiences.
As I write this, a Christmas song from my childhood, “Merry Christmas Darling” by the Carpenters is playing overhead and suddenly I am flooded with my own nostalgic feelings intertwined with heartache related to my mothers recent move to a memory care apartment. At first, hearing the song brings back fond memories of holidays past and they are followed by pain with the awareness that my mom’s move means some holiday traditions will no longer take place. Then I feel hopefulness and gratitude for having those earlier experiences. Although there will be new norms for our family holidays, I feel fortunate that we are able to create new holiday moments together. These kinds of intricate emotional landscapes often leave us bewildered, drained, and feeling slightly adrift.
In this turbulence lies an opportunity—to pause, to sit with our emotions, and unravel their messages. Ask yourself: Why does sadness linger? What sparks anger or joy? What is it that I am missing or needing? What makes me feel hopeful? These introspective inquiries offer clues toward personalized healing rituals, guiding us to find solace amidst the ache.
When I ask myself the questions above, the realization that I have been missing time spent with my mom driving around to see holiday lights comes into view. That helped me decide to add new light-related rituals to my holidays; to walk through the light display at a local arboretum with a dear friend and to offer to take my dad to a drive-through holiday light show. I am also struck that I can find ways for us to bring the lights to my mom if she would enjoy that. This just scratches the surface of the emotions I am experiencing and the messages that those emotions hold. It underlies for me how important it is to allow yourself the space to feel all of the feelings, the sadness, the anger, the gratitude, and the hopefulness.
Take time amidst the hustle and bustle of the holidays to embrace your emotions, slow down, and weave your experiences of grief into the tapestry of your celebrations.
Wishing you peace throughout the holidays and into the new year!
For personalized guidance on creating rituals to honor your grief, book your FREE 15-minute consultation by emailing sue.murphy@wavelengthwellbeing.com.
