“Goal” is a four-letter word. What?! You may be thinking, did a coach just say that they don’t like goals? Indeed, I did. Isn’t coaching all about setting and achieving goals? Not exactly. Coaching is about change and changing does not specifically require you to create goals. If you have a comfortable relationship with goals and goal-setting, feel free to skip this month’s post – it’s not for you. But if the mere thought of setting goals makes you break into a cold sweat, or you caught yourself nodding at that first sentence, then please, read on.
To be clear, it’s not the goals themselves that are the issue; it’s the relationship that some of us – including myself – have with goals and goal-setting that raises concern. Allow me to illustrate with a story about a fictional coaching client, an amalgamation of several individuals. Let’s call them Morgan.
Morgan began the year with hopeful anticipation, celebrating the stroke of midnight and dreaming of what the year ahead might bring. Instead of burdening themselves with a laundry list of resolutions for 2024, Morgan opted for a single goal. A glance at the most common resolutions for the new year, resembling their previous year’s list, made it clear – those generic goals weren’t cutting it. Out went last year’s “get in shape” resolution, replaced by the more specific “run a 10k in 2024.”
Recognizing that achieving a goal goes beyond mere intention, Morgan embarked on careful planning. New running shoes were purchased, a local park chosen for training, and a summer 10k that supported their favorite charity was selected. What’s more, Morgan enlisted a friend for motivation, both committing to a Couch to 10K program they found online. Confidence brimming, they were sure this year would be a success.
The initial weeks of Morgan’s training journey went smoothly. Even when a childcare conflict for their training partner led to a solo training run, Morgan persevered. However, as the program advanced, logistical challenges emerged. A different park with hills was required, and meeting on weekdays after work became impractical due to diminishing daylight. The third week saw Morgan missing a training run due to work commitments, followed by skipping a make-up session for a social outing, and a rainstorm the next day.
By the fourth week, Morgan’s friend had gained momentum, leaving Morgan struggling to keep up, resulting in a strained muscle and premature termination of training. When the next session loomed, Morgan concocted an excuse to avoid running.
This is where Morgan’s turbulent relationship with goals took center stage. Internal dialogue leaned heavily towards an all-or-nothing perspective, obsessing over missed sessions and their perceived inadequacy compared to their friend. Overlooking the achievement of completing all training runs in the first week and managing a solo run when their friend couldn’t join. Disregarding the reality that the 10k race is scheduled for the summer, allowing ample time for adjusting the training plan, and losing sight of the primary goal – completing a 10k, not achieving a specific time or outpacing others. At this juncture, Morgan begins to feel a sense of failure. To exacerbate matters, they actively seek evidence of past goal-setting shortcomings, using previous instances of unmet goals as proof that they are a failure.
While this example may seem extreme based on the speed and depth of the cognitive distortions, I would guess that this story feels familiar to some readers. For those that it did, I would propose that setting goals could actually be what is getting in the way of positive change.
Take some time to dig into this for yourself. Find some paper and a pen. At the top of the page write, “I did not ____________________________ because…”. Fill in the blank with a goal or resolution that you fell short of. Set a timer on your phone for three minutes and write continuously until that timer reaches zero. This isn’t a formal assignment; there’s no right or wrong – just a personal free writing exploration.
If you can’t do this now, return to it later. For now, think of a goal you didn’t achieve, and note the first reason that comes to mind.
Once the timer sounds, review what you wrote. Do you see similarities with Morgan’s story? Did unforeseen obstacles disrupt your plan? Was your goal or timeline too rigid? Did you prematurely decide it was unattainable and stop trying? Did the goal grow beyond its initial scope? Did you neglect acknowledging the progress you made? Did feelings of failure arise?
If you noticed any of these patterns, know that you’re not alone. Instead of beating yourself up, consider pausing on the goal-setting front until you redefine your relationship with them.
Start by examining your goal-setting patterns with questions like:
- Do I create numerous goals/resolutions every year?
- Am I making the same goals/resolutions each year?
- Are they too vague or overly specific?
- Are these goals genuinely mine, reflecting my true aspirations?
- Do I harshly judge myself if I fall short?
- Are my goals realistic based on my current circumstances?
- Does my plan allow flexibility when obstacles arise?
- Do I celebrate my effort and milestones along the way?
In my work with clients, we infuse softness into their relationship with goals while crafting their unique vision for the future. Instead of a rigid plan, we run experiments, learning what propels them closer to their vision. Success isn’t solely reaching the end goal; it’s gaining insights from each experiment – no failure in that. Does that sound like something that would work for you?
If your goals or resolutions for 2024 aren’t going as expected, consider this post your permission to tweak your approach. For personalized suggestions or recommendations, feel free to reach out to me via sue.murphy@wavelengthwellbeing.com for a complimentary 15-minute session.
Here’s to navigating 2024 with resilience and self-compassion!
