I genuinely appreciate a good bout of frustration. At first glance, that might sound strange, but hear me out. I don’t actively seek situations that will trigger feelings of frustration. I don’t go out in search of things that will trigger feelings of frustration. I don’t love the hot under-the-collar feeling of the physiological response that my body undergoes—the quickened pulse, rising blood pressure, shortened (or often, in my case, held) breath, or the clenched feeling of my muscles. However, I have learned to welcome frustration when I feel it. It’s a cue for me to practice mindful awareness. When I take a moment to sit with my frustration, I create space to explore it with compassionate curiosity. Through this process, I gain invaluable insights into my own behavior patterns, needs, wants, and values. This self-awareness is crucial for my overall well-being and for making meaningful changes in my life. Let’s dive into a hypothetical scenario to illustrate this concept.
Picture this: You’re standing in line at the service counter of a big-box retailer, waiting to purchase a lottery ticket. Several people are ahead of you, and there’s only one employee working at the counter. As you wait, you observe a customer trying to return an item without a receipt, causing further delays. Impatience starts to creep in as judgemental thoughts cloud your mind. Perhaps the retailer could improve staffing to ensure adequate coverage during employee breaks. Perhaps this customer should realize that returning an item without a receipt may not be feasible. You begin to wonder how much longer you and those ahead of you will wait before receiving assistance. Then, you start to worry about completing your remaining errands in time to reach the post office before it closes. Ugh!
Yes, ugh! There is it, the exasperated feeling of frustration. Now, imagine instead of reaching for your phone to scroll through social media or rushing out of the store to escape the feeling, you choose to stay with it. What do you notice? Where in your body do you feel the frustration? Personally, I often experience clenched muscles when frustration sets in, typically in a tightened jaw or pursed lips. By staying present with and focusing on these sensations, I observe them changing and shifting. This awareness, a gift from mindfulness, reminds me that the physical responses we have to our emotions are constantly changing; they are transient.
Placing myself into the scenario, once the frustration had softened, I could approach it with compassionate curiosity. I would start by questioning why the wait bothered me. That might lead me to realize my worry about making it to the post office before it closes. It might occur to me that had I not been in such a rush when I left the house this morning, I could have prioritized going to the post office first. Delving deeper into why visiting the post office mattered, I might uncover the need to mail my vehicle tab registration in before my tabs expire. Recognizing this, I might notice a recurring pattern of not allocating enough time for tasks, or perhaps that I habitually over commit myself, leaving me feeling rushed to check off the tasks on my to-do list. This practice isn’t about judgment and self-blame. It’s about viewing the insights gained as valuable data. It’s about kindly investigating the factors behind the frustration. This practice helps me examine my role as the architect of my life, much like I would when holding space for a friend
The insights are like finding treasure! Identifying my tendency to rush and over commit brings valuable self-awareness. I can now see how what I do is contributing to my own feelings of frustration. Moreover, it sheds light on what will likely get in the way of future changes that I want to make.
This practice is useful for a common source of frustration in relationships—competing needs. Allow me to share a personal example involving my dog, Oreo.
I have experienced significant frustration while writing this blog. I have been working for what feels like most of the morning to draft and edit this post. I love sharing ideas, though writing is something that often feels like a chore to me. Once roughly every 30 minutes Oreo has barked or growled at the noises caused by the wind. This has pulled me away from my writing and editing tasks. As the morning went on, I began to feel increasingly frustrated. Rather than snapping at him to be quiet or trying to avoid the feeling of frustration by abandoning my writing, I sat with my emotional response for a moment of mindful awareness. Once my experience began to soften, I became compassionately curious. Through this, I noticed this was a case of conflicting needs.
My need: A quiet, distraction-free environment to complete my writing task. Oreo’s need: To express his fear and feel safe.
Slowing down to explore my feelings, I was able to choose empathy over frustration. I took a short break to provide him some reassurance that he was safe. I recognized that I could find an activity for him—eating his lunch using a puzzle toy —that would help him ignore the noise of the wind while I continued to work. Certainly this outcome more positively impacted my relationship with him than if I had scared him further by yelling at him for trying to tell me that he was scared in the first place. Additionally, I quickly picked up where I left off because I was free from any physiological side effects of anger I may have experienced from making the false assumption that my dog was “intentionally distracting” me. This concept works for human-human relationships as well.
Have you experienced conflicts of needs in your relationships? How did you navigate them? Reflecting on such experiences with mindful awareness can yield profound insights into our interpersonal dynamics.
Developing a habit of using mindful awareness and compassionate curiosity is powerful. The more you practice, the more insight you can gain. Combining the previous scenarios, it is evident how this process builds. I uncovered a pattern of rushing and over-scheduling in the first example. Withholding judgment, I can make an educated guess that I approached my writing task today with a greater sense of urgency due to insufficient time. That means, on a stress scale of 1 – 10, I probably started at about a 7. I was already primed for frustration when encountering any distraction. In the second example, I realized that I neglected my need for a quiet, distraction-free environment as I began my work. Additionally, I failed to consider Oreo’s need to feel safe, which also likely contributed to the impending frustration for both of us. When I consider these facts simply as data and maintain a mindset of compassionate curiosity, I have the capacity to unleash my creativity when generating ideas to lessen the chance of frustration in future similar situations.
Options for experimentation going forward might include: scheduling writing tasks on my calendar, breaking writing and editing tasks into shorter sessions, bringing Oreo to a doggy daycare when I need to focus, or asking someone else to watch him. I might also explore methods to help Oreo acclimate to sounds that trigger fear and learn to self-soothe when he is afraid. I can also ensure that all his physical and mental stimulation needs are met on days when I predict more fear-inducing noises will happen. If I discover through this habit that one of my values is flexibility, I might experiment with adding “open time” to my calendar so that I can move tasks around when unpredictable things, like a windy day, come up.
Whatever I choose to try, one thing remains true: None of those creative ideas would come to mind if I did not slow myself down to compassionately sit with and gain insight from my frustration.
While these exact examples may not resonate, I encourage you to get compassionately curious about your experience the next time you feel frustrated. What could you learn about yourself? Your values? Your needs and wants? Your patterns of behavior?
Have you previously attempted mindful awareness and compassionate curiosity? Feel free to share any insights gained in the comments below!
The one-on-one mindful change coaching I offer provides an opportunity to sit with, experience, and gain insight from emotional responses as they arise. If you want to see how this practice impacts you, reach out to schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation.
